It's been a little over three days since Butler was put down and things are going pretty good considering. I haven't gotten real emotional and I think that's because it was the right time to put him down - I know it in my heart and have a huge peace about it - and seeing his picture on the digital
display at the vet's "sealed it" for me that my decision was the right decision at the right time. So some thoughts about Butler, and what I've been up to - along with Cruz' big adventure.
I had honestly hoped (and prayed but not real seriously) that Butler would just pass in his sleep during the night so I wouldn't have to make the decision to put him down - but God knows best. I truly believe I had to know when it was right to make this decision - so I could have the peace I'm having right now. And all the Facebook posts, texts, emails, cards and phone calls have helped.
The big issue with putting Butler down was because he was the last tangible thing I had of Mike - and Mike found Butler for me. Mike is no longer on the mortgage because I have refinanced. Mike isn't on the title of my leased car. Mike is not on the title to the timeshare I purchased last summer. It's almost like I'm slowly "erasing" Mike - I know I'm not but I think you'll understand what I meant. So when the time came for Butler to be put down - that was it - no more Mike. Mike wasn't with me when I adopted Cruz - she's my dog. And while Mike will never truly be gone - it's just weird.
What bothered me a couple of times since Butler was put down, was parking the car in my tuckunder garage, coming into the house through the basement and not hearing Butler's bark letting me know he knew I was home - and basically letting me know he was still alive. The few times I didn't hear him bark before this week, I would wonder if he had died while I was gone, so I'd hurry upstairs and yell his name when I got to the kitchen and would look through the doorway into the living room to see if he was sitting up on the couch waiting for me. Normally he would be - but there were a few times that he'd just be laying there and I'd think he'd died. So I'd yell his name again - louder - and he'd lift his head and look at me like, "what?" :) One nice thing with Cruz is that I once again have a dog meeting me at the kitchen door when I come up from the basement - and that's awesome.
In Butler's Speedo (male wrap) I would put a Poise pad to help in case he had accidents. Well as luck would have it, I had an unopened package and a package that I had used 3 or 4 pads. I didn't just want to throw them away and I thought, "who could use Poise pads" and it hit me - Hospice. So Hospice of Central Iowa became the owner of the packages of Poise pads. Hospice was really there for me the few days Mike was at home before he passed so I'm glad I could give them the pads. And now when I go to WalMart I don't have to buy the jumbo package of the largest size of Poise pads any longer and have those things sitting in my cart as I go throughout the store......
Then I had two of his Speedos that I wondered what to do - so I took them up to my vet when I picked up Butler's ashes, got his paw print and paid my bill. I asked if they could use them for something and one of the techs said she helps a rescue group and they could use them. I said that would be great. So Butler is posthumously helping a couple of male dogs and who knows how many through Hospice.
While I would have done this forever - it is a relief knowing I don't have to do this any longer. My routine for leaving the house and coming back home is nothing now. I used to plan on at least 15 minutes dealing with Cruz and Butler to get ready to leave and possibly more than that when I'd come home. With letting Cruz out first - then getting Butler (either carry down from upstairs or up off the couch) - take him out to do his deal and sit him down in the grass - go back inside and get either my bed or couch ready for him - then go back out to let Cruz in and help Butler in - wow. And I won't have to help with his boo boos on his butt any more - again something I was more than willing to do for him to help him - but I don't have to now.
Two fun things about Butler. After we adopted Milly (aka flunked fostering her), we didn't keep her crated but she'd chew on things. We bought a soft muzzle for her to wear when we'd be gone and when we'd get home - Butler would cuss Mike and me out for having muzzled his sister. I'm not kidding - it was a definite "I'm not happy with you" barking he'd give us. We'd chuckle when he'd do that. And we'd sometimes call Butler "Phil" when he'd start to get himself going after laying on the floor - after the Bulls and Laker's coach Phil Jackson. If you've ever watched Phil Jackson get up off the bench and start walking - you'd understand. It would take a few steps before Phil would get himself all together/in sync (legs, shoulders, head, arms) - sometimes Butler would need a few steps to get all his parts going at the same time too :)
The pictures below show a stone I was given by some very special friends. Right now it's by my solar fountain and I think that's where it will stay. I'm a little concerned about the stone getting damaged if we have hail or something (I know it's a stone but it's a special stone) - so I may end up moving it somewhere else. I think it looks pretty nice by the fountain.
I've rearranged the living room and think it looks ok. Check out Cruz' crate now. I bought a large tarp to go around it on the three sides for her to feel secure.
Thursday I picked up Butler's ashes and paw print. I've never done either of these before for any other pet, but it was a no-brainer for me to do with him. I was surprised at how big the plastic bag was with his ashes - I didn't think there would be that much with as skinny as he got - but he still was a "big" dog. And the whole time I was at the vet's picking these things up, asking some questions, etc., (probably 15 minutes) I watched the digital photo display and not once saw Butler's picture. I finally saw Cruz' right before I left. So I don't care what anyone says - God put Butler's picture smack in the middle of that digital photo display for me to see right after walking out of the exam room after putting him down - to see him smile at me as if to say "it was time" and he was ok with it - means so much.
I have a built-in china hutch in my living room and this is where Butler's paw print is sitting. Next to the picture of Mike, Butler and Milly (Milly was white and is next to Mike in his white shirt so it's hard to see her in the picture) that I would take with me whenever I traveled for work. This picture would sit on the night stand by my bed in the hotel room and I'd say "good night" to it each night. The tile in the background was my wonderful artistic ability when I worked at Midland Brick and Tile and I got to decorate a tile. I wrote Mike's, Traci's, Casey's, Andy's and my name on it and splashed some paint on it (aka Jackson Pollack).
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So while my handy guy is doing things I asked him about the huge roll of carpet that was leftover from carpeting my enclosed front porch - would that work on the stairs to my bedroom? He thought it just might and if not he'd get more. He needed to get a little more and I think it turned out really pretty nice. The second picture is more for my Dad to see how Jon transitioned from the one carpet to the upstairs carpet :)
So.....Cruz' big adventure was Wed. I don't know why Jon did this but he left my gate open. He didn't realize Cruz was in the back yard and I was just seconds away from calling her back in - but seconds matter because she ran out the gate on us. I freaked - totally freaked. I have never had a dog run off on me - Mike has and Dad has - but I haven't and actually she didn't run because of my error but I was home when it happened. Cruz takes off running north on 4th Street (my street) heading for Grand Avenue. She stops, I jump out of Jon's truck to call her - she won't come to me - she doesn't come when I call her except when it's time to go "potty". She takes off back toward Grand. I walk home, jump in the car and am thankful I have hand's free/Bluetooth. I call Jon to find out where they are praying to God that Cruz does not turn right on Grand to head toward 63rd and Grand - and doesn't go north either. I'm also saying to God, "there is no way you'd have me go through putting Butler down yesterday and then having my other dog either completely run away to never return, or get hit by a car and hurt or die the next day - you just wouldn't let that happen to me."
Cruz heads west at 4th and Grand. By the time I get back to the house to get in my car - Jon says she's heading south on 8th Street and I see her cross still going south on Hillside and 8th (Hillside is the street on the north side of my block). I zoom down 7th to Vine to see if I can head her off at 8th and Vine. I jump out of the car and run to open the back doors of the car thinking she might jump in because she loves to go for car rides - nope. She looks at me, turns back east on Vine and runs. I get turned around and pass Jon to fly like a maniac up 5th Street to come back down to my house from the north, talking to Jon on our phones to try to turn her up 4th Street to head back toward home. I get home, jump out of the car, get on my knees with leash and cheese in hand and watch Cruz walk up the block toward me. I start calling her when she gets to my neighbor's house and she starts to head up that driveway toward a back yard that is not fenced in.
Now....whenever we go for a walk, when we get to my driveway I say, "home Cruz home" or something like that as we turn in. When I see her heading down the driveway just south of me I start yelling for all I can, "home Cruz home girl!" and mid-stride she changes her direction and runs like crazy through my gate into my back yard!!!!!! I run up and shut the gate and all is good. I have never really experienced an adreneline dump - until then and almost had to sit down. Once I got her back in the house and had calmed down a little I walked outside to where Jon was doing something and told him to not let that happen again because I was too old for that - then I smacked him on the arm a couple of times.
So of course I become paranoid about her getting out again - accidently - and talk to Jon about what to do about the gate in case she becomes smart enough to slide the latch out and let herself out the gate - we came up with a solution. Then Jon looks at me and because part of my privacy fence and gate is only 4', he says "what if she jumps the gate?" I hadn't EVEN THOUGHT of that and start to get paranoid again. So today I bought one of those things you screw into the ground and a 20' chain for her for the times I let her out but I might not be out in the back yard with her the whole time. Greyhounds were so much easier :) But I'm definitely learning with her.
I still need to find a treat that she'll eat - no Milk Bones (hard or chewy). She will take cheese, Pop Tarts and parts of a grilled cheese sandwich from my hand - along with eating some baked potato with lots of butter and sour cream that I plop on her pillow for her. Still not into the leftover milk from my Special K with strawberries for breakfast though...... And she is letting me pet her tummy - she is not rolling over exposing herself for a tummy rub - but if she is laying on her side and I can see her tummy, she lets me pet it - this is BIG. Like I say.....baby steps.
My big adventure will be tomorrow with my niece - a two and a half hour canoe trip down the Des Moines River - weather permitting :)
